I have been struggling with this for quite a while, but listening to a podcast this morning about how this artist, Jay Dart can not help but record all his ideas on his way to work made it really hit home: I am not creative anymore. Anymore? Maybe I never was? Maybe it isn't something that I can get back, because I never had it. An ex told me that my roommate Witty Hearts was more creative than me. It was such a hard thing to hear. I tried to say it wasn't true, but it was. I love her work and all that she does, but she was able to balance her intellectually stimulating job with her artwork and I wasn't. I am already making excuses. She is. She is more creative and has a really cool line of cards and art goods that she is constantly making. She has not done a degree in design, is completely self taught and is passionate. Something I lack.
I am passionate about my job as an art teacher; harnessing my students creativity, developing their ideas, pushing them to justify the ideas better. I am excited by what the next project will be, how I will use the skills and resources available, developing art as a language, and the English language component of the classroom.. but that is not me as an artist. I am not creating, barely even resources anymore. I have no fire in my hands anymore and feel like the connection between them and my brain is gone. I do not know what I want to do any more. For the past few years I have struggled with this. I have been feeling such a disconnect from myself as an artist. I think I have given so many excuses; "I am an art teacher so that's enough, right?" or "It's really busy being a teacher and I need a break" or "No one else does it so I don't feel like it is something that I want to do alone" or "I can't drive and so I can't get anywhere for classes" What it comes down to is that I am not comfortable enough to try. I am not happy. It has not always been like this, I was always the "arty one", in class and at home. Ben was scientist, Daniel was sporty, I was arty. Why am I not feeling connected to this now? I have done bits for friends, painted some portraits and have really enjoyed doing them, and having something that needs to be finished, but I am not doing anything else. I haven't even started a portrait since I moved. Even as I write this I am scared to publish it. I am scared to let it be seen, let it be seen that I am not who I feel I should be as an art teacher. Perhaps that is part of the feeling of being an imposter that Danielle Krysta has mentioned in her book “Your Inner Critic Is A Big Jerk [and other truths about being creative]”. I havn't read it yet. I am not sure if my inner critic is telling me it will not be good enough or if I just do not have the energy to do it anymore. ..Then I think about what I do with my time and it is shit. I procrastinate, I watch Netflix far too much, I listen to podcasts, I don't exercise and I complain a fuck tonne, and swear a lot too (but I will deal with one vice at a time.) I have the time and I need to make sure that I do it. So why bother posting? Well, I am trying to force myself to get up and do something about it. I want to make art, I want to do things, I want to be happy, basically, like any addict (or person with an issue) I think I need to admit it. I need to make it public so I do something about it. I need to have some sort of accountability, something that I have said I am doing, so I have to say that I have corrected it. I know I will not be the only one, and I have wonderful creative friends who could help me.. but I know I need to get out of this rut. Or at least try to. Fingers crossed..
2 Comments
Tiffany Hwang
17/2/2017 01:28:59 pm
Hey! I have been looking through your blogs for the past few weeks while wandering in the internet, and this you are such an inspiring art teacher. I am also an art teacher in Ridgeview Elementary school:) I love how you are always so passionate about your job as an art teacher
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Jessica Murphy
2/3/2017 07:30:33 am
Thank you so much! That is really lovely to hear! <3
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